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Monday, December 19

Keith Richards turns 152 years old today. The American Dream.

Happy Birthday to the immortal Keith Richards, who turns 152 today( in Keith years. ) The American Dream,  An editorial by Kevin Long. 


          Happy Birthday to the immortal Keith Richards, who is celerbrating another year of not detoxing ever other month. When he realized it was his actually Birthday, he perked up and replied"I buy if you fly".  I paused for a moment and said you have to be the luckiest addict since Robert Downey JR. "Bloody Hell",  while handing me another pile of cash. I paused and asked ,"you think we need all this extra money for just one more guest"?. His soul vessel then replied, "he is the only guest" and "A bender is not a party". I started to get a bad case of "peek out the window ides " combined with an adventurous but romantic relationship with the shadow people. It was surreal  because I never even met him suddenly I am his personal stash spot. I was overwhelmed with questins and hearing the lunacy led to more confusion. This is one way  orange Hitler steals minds. My morning routine was a familiar sensation. I woke up covered  in chill bumps and sweat.  Just when I let myself believe.............. I woke up with A severe case of "Sobriety". Damn,  cold Turkey is a cruel gift  especially from Keith. It was nice of him to not buy all the drugs in the old folks village. 

In breaking news,  Keith Richards is still alive two hours into his celebration. I am a huge "Who fan",   so growing up I was not brave enough to like both bands. It's similar to living in N.Y and rooting for the Mets and Yankees. However, I do love the junky years of The Rolling Stones vast catologue of music. Sister Morphine, Sticky Fingers, Loving Cup are anthems. I am almost convinced it was a dream. A long intense vived one, similar to the night terrors I had when I was sprung on Spice. But it's early and I think Keith left a spoon full of tar for my morning shot. Damn! "Brown Sugar" why you feel so good? Hunter S. Thompson once wrote something to the effect of , "He has not done more drugs than anybody". If he was not such a lightweight I would have him over to the house more often.. I respect the British invasion and fleecing us of our fragile American culture. Why do Americans have to love  " The Stones" and "Jesus". They have way to many amazing times build around this Band.. In my humble opinion,  Keith was just an average addict when you put him next to legends llike Townsend and OX. Musically speaking he is not qualified to be Pete's guitar tech. Keith is wearing  a crown declaring himself" king of intoxication". Real addicts ain't got time or are experienced in arts and crafts. Shit, I bet even that kid Johny Manzil runs out of foil nightly.  Why did Netflix make another documentary glorifing Keith's life of an addict. Besides, if the world knows you are a party god only because you wrote and told us every time you open your mouth. I call Bullshit! That child star that was left "Home Alone" every Christmas while I was growing up. I guess it was a matter of time with all he dealt with in childhood. I will end with a question. If you are a guitar Jedi in one of the biggest bands of all time than why in the hell is your appititite for drugs still the topic of every documentary or discussion? I guess it beats the story of the worst guitarist to ever play in an iconic group. "Happy Birthday Keith"  Don't forget  to tweet how wasted you are tonight. Impossible I have a reputation to think of and I already made the tweet weeks ago & set the timer. I suddenly was overwhelmed with pity & empathy for this rich spoiled old ..... Sorry, it passed! He needs to mix more happy drugs with the trailer park pick up. 


Translation* for those who are not used to reading an article by me. It's not only Satire, it's a tastless cheap shot. 

Words:Kevin Long

Photo: Lori in the sky with Diamonds.